TSR Presents: Asher's Real and Cool Christmas Dance Party 2024!

[00:00:07] Hey! It's me, Asher! Welcome to my very real and cool Christmas Dance Party! Pull up by the

[00:00:15] Hulog and make kisses under the mistletoes before we launch them into the sky for our firework

[00:00:19] espacular at the end of this whole mess! I know we weren't able to have our annual dance

[00:00:24] party last year due to Eric and Dan trying to get their Elton John website off the ground

[00:00:29] but I'm back! And I'm in charge! Like always! The whole crew is here! Mikayla is on Lunchable

[00:00:37] and Purple Stuff duty because she's a girl! And CJ lost a dare so he's on the mixing board

[00:00:42] because he cried during Milana 2! Also he doesn't think Santa is real and cool anymore! But he

[00:00:48] is! Just like me! Well, those are a lot of the tropes so let's get started! This first

[00:00:55] song is a tribute to an American hero who stands for individuality and freedom! Cuz in a couple

[00:01:01] years all holidays will be about celebrating historical figures and giving each other NFTs! Here it is!

[00:01:08] I drove through the toll with my head held high. No jurisdiction, I screamed to the sky. But the cops didn't care and I don't know why. Last Christmas they seized my truck. Filled with milk, I refuse to chuck. This year it's my master plan to live stream my arrest like a sovereign man. With a courtroom fight. I told the judge I don't need ID. My YouTube fans will agree with me. The 14th Amendment is a

[00:05:36] is a lie. Then they tased me once and I started to cry. I filed a lien on the county clerk. Said divorce court rulings don't really work. Restraining orders please, they're fake. Just like laws that apply to my license plate. Patriot with a hazmat zone. Mercury stash. A sovereign hall. It's my birthright. It's constitutional law. They say it's reckless.

[00:06:27] It's a risk endangerment. But it's all with a sodium vault. Storing anthrax in a box of lights. This year I'll fight and defend my creed. Sovereign Christmas is all I need.

[00:07:48] Wow. That guy sounds super awesome. My grandma took me to see him in concert for my birthday and I found the music to be really poppy and relatable. The staging was really cool. But then he started ripping phone books and leading us in prayer while talking about how much crack he did in his 20s. He seems like a real party machine.

[00:08:09] Speaking of party machines some of you on the dance floor seem to be really getting into the groove. So let's slow it down a bit and induce some tonal whiplash.

[00:08:18] That's what I'm here for, you know?

[00:08:21] Here's a special song for the thousands of you who have written my Uncle G's in angry letters about how the show doesn't talk about rides anymore and is now just a bunch of nerds talking about boring hotels like old ladies.

[00:08:32] Hit it, Tony.

[00:08:34] He keeps the list. He's the captain of the ride.

[00:08:47] Detail, hurry and enter with the completest pride.

[00:08:52] But don't be fooled.

[00:08:55] He's got a secret thrill.

[00:08:59] Unabling Dan's chaos.

[00:09:01] Bending to his will.

[00:09:06] Dan's the chaos agent.

[00:09:09] A wild card in the game.

[00:09:13] Divisive to some, but he's got his own flame.

[00:09:19] Checked out one moment, then show up as a dart.

[00:09:25] With a take so profound it stops every heart.

[00:09:33] To attraction someday.

[00:09:40] And Jimmy's sway.

[00:09:47] Usher's pure gold.

[00:09:49] But for now it's hotels.

[00:09:53] We've been sold.

[00:10:31] Master of lore.

[00:10:32] He'll take you through details from gate to shore.

[00:10:35] But Jim and Dan pull him into the fray.

[00:10:38] Now he's stuck explaining.

[00:10:40] Sure, oh, Asher.

[00:10:44] Oh, Asher.

[00:10:45] The strongest around.

[00:10:47] A kid with flair and a laugh profound.

[00:10:51] He loves purple stuff.

[00:10:53] The king of the school.

[00:10:54] Real ass can be.

[00:11:07] Someday.

[00:11:12] And Jimmy's sway.

[00:11:33] Fox resorts to curbside stays.

[00:11:35] We've mapped out every lodging craze.

[00:11:38] But the rides are waiting.

[00:11:40] The magic still comes.

[00:11:41] As soon as we're done with these hotels.

[00:11:44] Hotels.

[00:11:56] Hotels.

[00:11:56] Come what may.

[00:12:04] Budget.

[00:12:05] Decay.

[00:12:09] Here to stay.

[00:12:27] Thanks, guys.

[00:12:29] I flew in that band from Atlanta city and boy are my wings tired.

[00:12:33] Get it?

[00:12:34] I'm not a bird.

[00:12:35] And they took a plane.

[00:12:37] Even if I was a bird they'd be too heavy.

[00:12:40] Even though I'm probably the strongest kid at my school.

[00:12:43] That song was clearly written as a homo to the three nerds who are usually on this TikTok channel so I wanted to roast them and show them who they are.

[00:12:50] Who is really in charge here even though I'm usually in the dirty Luxo ball bean back in the corner sleeping off my last purple stuff bender.

[00:12:57] This is Asher's roasted nuts.

[00:12:59] Yo!

[00:13:00] It's Asher!

[00:13:00] Roasting your nuts!

[00:13:02] Dropping sick burns straight to your guts!

[00:13:04] Grab your purple Christmas parties in my hand!

[00:13:20] Red sheets.

[00:13:21] Eric's got his facts.

[00:13:22] Dan's got chaos and half-baked tracks.

[00:13:25] Y'all talk hotels like it's something cool.

[00:13:27] But I'm roasting you all cause I rule this school.

[00:13:30] Eric's grout facts stink.

[00:13:31] Dan's jokes are weak.

[00:13:32] Jimmy's obsession with lists is bleak.

[00:13:34] Y'all are nerds.

[00:13:35] I'm the star of the show.

[00:13:37] Roasting your nuts like chestnuts.

[00:13:39] Yo!

[00:14:09] I'm on Small World.

[00:14:11] I made a bot sweat.

[00:14:12] Took it's lunch money.

[00:14:13] Best moment yet.

[00:14:14] Dan's jokes are messy.

[00:14:16] Jimmy's too neat.

[00:14:17] Eric's grout stories put me to sleep.

[00:14:20] My purple stuff's magic.

[00:14:21] I drink it all day.

[00:14:22] And Mikayla probably likes me.

[00:14:23] She just won't say.

[00:14:24] Hotels are boring.

[00:14:26] This party is fire.

[00:14:27] You nerds and turds can't match my desire.

[00:14:47] Imagine this show talks about.

[00:14:51] One time on Small World.

[00:14:54] Hot sweat.

[00:14:55] Took it's lunch money.

[00:14:56] Best moment yet.

[00:15:00] Dan's jokes are messy.

[00:15:02] Jimmy's too neat.

[00:15:03] Eric's grout stories put me to sleep.

[00:15:05] Put me to sleep.

[00:15:09] My purple stuff's magic.

[00:15:11] I drink it all day.

[00:15:12] And Mikayla probably likes me.

[00:15:13] She just won't say.

[00:15:15] Hotels are boring.

[00:15:16] This party is fire.

[00:15:17] You nerds and turds can't match my desire.

[00:15:30] Make me pout.

[00:15:31] But I'm the legend.

[00:15:32] This show talks about.

[00:15:34] My probably dreaming of me.

[00:15:46] As the beat slams back in.

[00:15:49] Mujer cut.

[00:15:50] Quasha.

[00:15:50] As the synths and sleigh bells collide.

[00:15:54] Roasting your Christmas dream.

[00:16:28] That was probably the best song for the last time.

[00:16:29] You're gonna hear all night.

[00:16:31] You may have noticed that this year's very Christmas dance party is longer than the one

[00:16:35] from a couple years ago.

[00:16:37] That's because so many of our listeners have expressed how much they want more Asher so

[00:16:41] I'd put together a new band called Asher's Good Time Real and Cool Jamboree.

[00:16:45] They're just repurposed bears and geese from Critterland that the guy from YouTube

[00:16:49] programmed to make songs.

[00:16:52] So basically, they're my robot slaves.

[00:16:55] You might think this is a segue way into a song about one ride but it's not.

[00:16:59] That's later.

[00:17:01] I got a special request from some horny ass moms who want to do a slow dance with all the

[00:17:06] tiki room dads who often come to my functions.

[00:17:09] This one is for you guys.

[00:17:11] Don't kiss too much or I'll punch you in the nards for being groomers at a function for

[00:17:15] real and cool kids like me.

[00:17:47] We'll see you soon.

[00:17:51] We'll see you soon.

[00:17:52] Bye.

[00:17:53] Bye.

[00:17:55] Bye.

[00:17:59] Bye.

[00:18:08] Too proud to float, too stubborn to fail.

[00:18:13] The keelboats met their final take.

[00:18:28] With a swampy sheen, its water's a hue of toxic green.

[00:18:34] A cocktail of sunscreen spitting rain.

[00:18:39] Where dreams and churros swirl down the drain.

[00:18:43] Four feet deep, but don't let that fool you.

[00:18:47] It's a broth that germs will school you.

[00:18:52] Take one go, and you'll wonder soon.

[00:18:56] Is dysentery too far?

[00:19:31] The keelboat buckled like a broke-down car.

[00:19:36] A tilt to lean, then a gasp of dread.

[00:19:40] As murky waters rose instead.

[00:19:44] Those riders clung as algae clung to their clothes and screams.

[00:19:53] Rescue came on Tom's old raft.

[00:19:57] A splintered hook.

[00:20:02] Brave few stepped back to land.

[00:20:06] Dripping muck from Disney's hand.

[00:20:10] Their shoes squilched, their pride was gone.

[00:20:14] But their story sails forever on.

[00:20:28] Into water and the Columbia glides.

[00:20:55] But none dare match those brave boat rides.

[00:20:59] Shoes and the keelboats fell.

[00:21:03] But damn, it's our muck.

[00:21:06] And we were...

[00:21:42] A spaceman roamed through Tomorrowland.

[00:21:44] His churro in his end.

[00:21:47] He gazed up at the people moment track that crossed this broken land.

[00:21:51] The rails were bent, the beams were cracked.

[00:21:53] A ghostly sight to see.

[00:21:55] The rocket rods had come and gone.

[00:21:57] Their failure history.

[00:21:59] Ghost track in the sky.

[00:22:01] His boats just couldn't cling.

[00:22:03] Unbegged turns and falsy beams destroyed.

[00:22:06] A voice rang out, a spectral cry.

[00:22:13] An engineer of yore.

[00:22:15] Behold the track of hubris.

[00:22:17] Spaceman doomed forevermore.

[00:22:19] The loads were high.

[00:22:21] The curves unbanked.

[00:22:22] The tension pulled too tight.

[00:22:24] And now this track of shattered dreams still haunts the moonlit night.

[00:22:28] Ghost track in the sky.

[00:22:30] Its curves were never banked.

[00:22:32] The rocket rods strolled through the beams.

[00:22:34] Until the system sank.

[00:22:45] Spaceman stopped and scratched his head.

[00:22:47] He couldn't let it go.

[00:22:48] What happens when you build too fast?

[00:22:51] The ride just breaks, I know.

[00:22:53] But tell me why, oh spectral ones.

[00:22:55] You couldn't do it right.

[00:22:57] The ghost all wailed.

[00:22:58] We had no funds and so we lost the fight.

[00:23:01] Nurture pulled the chassis wide.

[00:23:03] The stress was just too great.

[00:23:05] Unbanked turns and forces high.

[00:23:07] The structure sealed its fate.

[00:23:09] The vehicle strained the track too much.

[00:23:11] The beams began to groan.

[00:23:13] And every ride just cranked the load.

[00:23:16] Until the steel was blown.

[00:23:17] Ghost track in the sky.

[00:23:20] The math was left undone.

[00:23:22] The unbanked curves destroyed the ride before it had begun.

[00:23:30] The spacemen saw the people mover silent in the dark.

[00:23:34] Its purpose lost.

[00:23:35] A rocket rots.

[00:23:36] Its future now alark.

[00:23:38] And circle visions near to gone.

[00:23:40] A queue line's dusty grave.

[00:23:42] Replaced by empty promises that couldn't quite be saved.

[00:23:46] They chased the future blindly.

[00:23:49] The spacemen softly said.

[00:23:50] The math was there.

[00:23:52] The warnings clear.

[00:23:53] Yet progress ran ahead.

[00:23:55] With tracks unbanked, supports ignored, and funds stretched paper thin.

[00:23:58] The rocket rods just burned it all.

[00:24:01] A ghost of what had been.

[00:24:03] Ghost track in the sky.

[00:24:05] Its shadow haunts the land.

[00:24:07] A testament to poor design and dreams built out of sand.

[00:24:14] The spacemen turned his gaze away.

[00:24:22] His churro gone now cold.

[00:24:24] The specters in their rocket rods soared by both fast and bold.

[00:24:28] Beware they cried.

[00:24:29] And do not rush to dreams beyond your means.

[00:24:32] Or else your track will break apart and haunt the in-between.

[00:24:36] Ghost track in the sky.

[00:24:38] Its legacy remains.

[00:24:40] A future built on shaky math.

[00:24:42] Will only leave you pain.

[00:24:48] And so the spaceman wandered on.

[00:24:51] His helmet weighed with dread.

[00:24:53] The ghostly track above him stood.

[00:24:55] Its tales of hubris spread.

[00:24:57] For every turn that wasn't banked.

[00:24:59] Each beam that buckled tight.

[00:25:01] He knew the rocket rods had failed.

[00:25:22] I'm sure a lot of you were scared by that song.

[00:25:25] But I wasn't.

[00:25:26] This pee in my pants is just how I express courage on account of my being incapable of fear.

[00:25:31] If you're still listening to this you'll probably enjoy this next song.

[00:25:36] And don't forget we're gonna have our Christmas fireworks missile toes in the sky fire or Christmas firework holiday show later as our grand final.

[00:25:44] This next song is about a thing I heard about called light magic.

[00:25:48] I think the premise is that it's sung by the winged little sleep paralysis demons from the parade.

[00:25:53] As though they were so used to seeing children cry in terror at their ugly masks that they assumed that this was how humans expressed joy and wonder.

[00:26:01] You know what they say, the best jokes are the ones that need an explanation of the premise in order to even begin to enjoy it.

[00:26:08] As I said before, that's what I'm here for.

[00:26:11] I'll let you figure out what that means.

[00:26:14] Anyways, here's a song about a thing that lasted about as long as my grandma's dream of not using the word, the, before saying the name of an ethnic group.

[00:26:24] If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go hide in my courage corner and think about how not afraid I am while this song plays.

[00:26:30] I'll be back with more bravery leakage to finish this long winded nonsense up.

[00:27:04] Magic shines in every tear.

[00:27:07] Your cries fulfill our dream.

[00:27:10] The crowd is hushed.

[00:27:11] The air is thick.

[00:27:13] We see your tiny fright.

[00:27:15] And yet we twirl and light the streets.

[00:27:18] We'll fix this all tonight.

[00:27:31] Closer, closer to the wonder.

[00:27:35] Your fears, the price we pay to bring a magic night.

[00:27:39] A sunder will get cool.

[00:27:44] Your cheer.

[00:27:44] Your trembling hands will clap for us.

[00:27:49] Your cries will dry in tears.

[00:28:05] The bugs.

[00:28:06] Our lights would glow supreme.

[00:28:10] Every step fell short of Walt's old dream.

[00:28:14] Our floats don't move.

[00:28:15] Our lights don't shine.

[00:28:17] Was this the plan we ask?

[00:28:19] Yet here we dance.

[00:28:21] Your tears suggest we've nailed the daunting task.

[00:28:36] Your panic fuels are glowing wings.

[00:28:41] Thunder will you fear.

[00:28:49] Your fears, magic's face.

[00:28:51] It's hope we now deploy.

[00:28:53] This twist in fear.

[00:29:06] We've heard your gasps and cries.

[00:29:09] Perhaps delight's a foreign thing.

[00:29:11] Your joy, it's in disguise.

[00:29:13] We thought we'd light your hearts tonight.

[00:29:17] A dream so bright and true.

[00:29:19] But every tear we've gathered here might dim the stars for you.

[00:29:37] Hey, everyone.

[00:29:39] So, I think we can all agree that this year has been pretty tough for a lot of people.

[00:29:44] It's been a time of big changes, and, honestly, it feels like things are more divided than ever.

[00:29:50] But, you know, sometimes when things feel the most overwhelming, that's when we have to come together.

[00:29:56] To focus on what really matters, our memories, our connections to each other, and the things that make us feel like we belong, even when the world seems uncertain.

[00:30:06] This year, something a lot of us loved, a part of what made us who we are, was taken away.

[00:30:12] And sure, some people said it was time for it to go, or that it wasn't right for this moment.

[00:30:18] But for so many of us, it was more than that.

[00:30:21] It was where we found joy, where we made memories, where we felt like we could be ourselves.

[00:30:27] And now, it's gone.

[00:30:29] Changed forever.

[00:30:31] So, this next song is for everyone who's felt that loss.

[00:30:35] For those of you who've struggled to make sense of it, and for those who are finding the strength to move forward.

[00:30:40] You're not alone.

[00:30:42] We'll get through this together.

[00:30:58] Do you see what I see?

[00:31:02] A sacred flume.

[00:31:04] When nostalgia lingers grim.

[00:31:07] Do you see what I see?

[00:31:11] A love carved by dreams divine.

[00:31:17] It must remain for all of time.

[00:31:22] Said the four undeads to the company's brass.

[00:31:26] Do you know what I know?

[00:31:29] This ride's not racist.

[00:31:31] It's a time gone past.

[00:31:34] Do you know what?

[00:31:46] Hands off Walt's grade.

[00:32:16] The diehard fan with the trembling voice.

[00:32:20] This ride raised me, don't you see?

[00:32:23] It taught me love.

[00:32:25] It taught me joy.

[00:32:26] It taught me choice.

[00:32:29] This ride's a part of me.

[00:32:32] If you remove the briars you take.

[00:32:38] Don't you dare let this horn of Michael Eisner's bow.

[00:32:55] Do you crowd to the Disney suits?

[00:33:44] Do you hear what we do not reboot?

[00:33:59] From the hearts of fans.

[00:34:39] Everybody, it's time for the grand finale.

[00:34:43] This is the moment you've all been waiting for.

[00:34:45] Asher's mistletoes Christmas explosion holiday dance party fireworks and the sky firework spectacular.

[00:34:52] Now, here's the deal.

[00:34:54] Each firework has been personally seen to Mary Sparkleboom.

[00:34:57] And CJ is gonna launch every single one of them by hand.

[00:35:01] That's right.

[00:35:02] We don't need fancy computers or professional safety measures.

[00:35:05] We've got CJ and a pair of oven mitts.

[00:35:08] Each firework is packed with maximum Christmas energy, like glitter rockets, candy cane blasters,

[00:35:15] and something I'm calling reindeer's revenge, which might be illegal, but it's fine because

[00:35:20] CJ's dad said we could use his driveway.

[00:35:22] When these go off, it's not just about explosions in the sky, it's about letting go of all the

[00:35:28] stress and chaos of the year.

[00:35:30] It's about finding that big feeling of joy, even if it's covered in purple smoke and smells

[00:35:34] like burnt marshmallows.

[00:35:36] So sit back, grab some purple stuff, and get ready to feel the boom in your bones.

[00:35:42] CJ, light it up.

[00:35:48] Christmas big delight.

[00:35:50] Twinkle party.

[00:35:52] Snowy cheer.

[00:35:54] Happy day, go boom.

[00:36:11] Deer dancing hearts aglow.

[00:36:13] Wish for clouds.

[00:36:14] Big shiny pie.

[00:36:16] Holiday rocket to the sky.

[00:38:08] Boats on a jingle stream.

[00:38:10] Twilight Santa sings in space.

[00:38:13] Christmas unicorn wins the race.

[00:39:32] Get an opinion so snarky mon ami.

[00:40:22] Give me a drink.

[00:40:22] Baby.

[00:40:23] Baby.

[00:40:23] Baby.ASHI.

[00:40:23] Baby. thứ.

[00:40:23] Not really.

[00:40:23] Go boom.

[00:40:23] Baby.

[00:40:23] Thank you.